One of the hardest things for any of us to say is, “I was wrong.” We’ll admit we aren’t perfect, or that we make mistakes sometimes, but when it comes to acknowledging a specific mistake, we suddenly have a thousand explanations for why we did what we did—often that we were tired, frustrated, stressed, or misunderstood. What most of these explanations have in common is the fact that the mistake was not our fault.
Over the years, I’ve noticed a pattern when people tell me about the problems in their lives—there’s always someone else who did something wrong. People love to point to their exes, their previous pastors, their coaches, their teachers, their bosses, or their neighbors. And sometimes they’re right. People really do hurt us and treat us unfairly. But here’s what I’ve learned: Each of us needs as much grace as anyone else.
That’s why this next part of the Lord’s Prayer is so important. Jesus teaches us to pray, “Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” He’s teaching us that giving and receiving grace is an essential part of prayer. But you’ll never be able to truly give grace until you believe you need it, too, and that’s why Jesus invites us to acknowledge our part before we talk about what other people have done to us.
Admit What’s Yours
I love the story of King David. He’s the greatest king in the Bible, and he was deeply devoted to God, even writing many of the Psalms. He certainly wasn’t perfect—he committed adultery with Bathsheba and arranged for her husband to be killed, then spent a season trying to cover up what he had done. But when the prophet Nathan confronted him, David finally admitted, “I have sinned against the Lord.” Later, David prayed, “For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.”
Notice what he doesn’t say. He doesn’t blame Bathsheba for tempting him, or her husband for leaving her alone. He doesn’t blame God for allowing him to be in this position or for not giving him enough willpower. He simply says, “I have sinned.” That’s where repentance begins—not with an explanation or an excuse, but with an honest acceptance of our fault.
Sadly, it’s much easier to identify the sins of others than to acknowledge our own. Think about the last argument you had. It’s easy to pray, “God, help my husband be more patient,” or “Lord, change my friend’s attitude,” There’s nothing wrong with praying for other people, of course, but when was the last time you prayed, “God, show me where I am wrong”? David prayed one of the most courageous prayers in all of Scripture when he prayed: “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” It’s dangerous to pray that prayer, because you’re inviting God to show you things about yourself that you may not want to see, like your pride, selfishness, and bitterness, the way you speak to people when you’re frustrated, the resentment you’ve been carrying, and the excuses you’ve been making. It’s natural to feel ashamed when God shows us the parts of ourselves we don’t like, but remember, God doesn’t reveal our sins to shame us. He’s helping us see the parts of our lives that need healing. When we acknowledge what’s wrong, we discover that God is more than willing to forgive.
So the next time you pray, “Forgive us our debts,” don’t rush past the word “our.” Take a moment and ask God to search your heart. Is there something you need to confess? Someone you need to apologize to? A mistake you’ve been unwilling to take the blame for? You don’t have to take responsibility for everything that went wrong, but you do need to take responsibility for your part.
Extend That Grace
Of course, Jesus doesn’t stop with “Forgive us our debts.” He adds something that makes this prayer considerably more challenging: “as we forgive our debtors.” It’s one thing to ask God to forgive us for our mistakes, but it’s another thing entirely to forgive someone who has hurt us—especially if they haven’t apologized.
There’s a story in the book, What’s So Amazing About Grace?, about a woman named Rebecca who found out after a few years of marriage that her husband had a dark side, struggling with pornography and soliciting escorts on his trips to other cities. Sometimes he asked Rebecca for forgiveness, and sometimes he did not. He eventually left her for another woman named Julianne.
Rebecca shared how painful and humiliating it was for her. Some people in her church even treated her as if the infidelity had been her fault. Devastated, she found herself pulling away from human contact, unable to trust anyone. Plus, she couldn’t cut off contact with her husband, because they had children.
Rebecca increasingly felt that if she wasn’t able to forgive her ex-husband, she would unintentionally pass her resentment and anger on to their children. She prayed for months. At first, her prayers seemed as vengeful as some of the Psalms, asking God to give her ex “what he deserved.” Finally, she realized she needed to let God, not herself, determine “what he deserved.”
One night when she felt ready, Rebecca called her ex-husband and shakily said, “I want you to know that I forgive you for what you’ve done to me. And I forgive Julianne too.” He laughed it off, unwilling to admit he had done anything wrong, but that conversation still helped Rebecca get past her anger.
A few years later, Rebecca got a frenzied phone call from Julianne. She had been attending a work conference with her husband in Minneapolis, and he had left the hotel room to go for a walk. After a few hours, Julianne heard from the police—he had been arrested for soliciting sex.
Julianne sobbed on the phone with Rebecca. “I never believed you,” she said. “I kept telling myself that even if what you said was true, he had changed. And now this. I feel so ashamed, and hurt, and guilty. I have no one on earth who can understand. Then I remembered the night when you said you forgave us. I thought maybe you could understand what I’m going through. It’s a terrible thing to ask, I know, but could I come talk to you?” Somehow, Rebecca found the courage to invite Julianne over. They sat in her living room, cried, shared stories, and even prayed together. Julianne now points to that night as the night when she became a Christian.
When we hear stories like Rebecca’s, we’re often inspired by the possibility of forgiveness. We want to let go of hurt and move past disappointment like she did. But wanting to forgive and actually doing it are two very different things. When someone has hurt us, we can come up with a hundred reasons to hold on to the pain. They need to understand what they did. They should have to face the consequences. If I forgive them, they’ll think what they did was okay.
Those are all legitimate concerns, but when we think that way, we’re misunderstanding the reality of forgiveness. We assume forgiving someone means pretending the hurt didn’t happen or acting as though everything is fine, but that’s not what Jesus teaches. Forgiveness is releasing the debt that someone owes you. That debt could be years you lost with a parent who walked away from your family, money a friend borrowed and never paid back, heartache caused by an unfaithful spouse, a damaged reputation because someone spread a rumor, or opportunities you missed because someone treated you unfairly. Maybe it’s an apology you’ve been waiting years to hear, an explanation you never received, or a relationship that will never be what you hoped it would be. Maybe it’s hurtful words spoken by a parent, teacher, or coach. Whatever the debt, forgiveness is choosing to release someone from what they rightfully owe you, even when they haven’t done anything to deserve it. This is what Jesus did when he hung on the cross and prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
Forgiveness is often a decision you have to make more than once. You may forgive someone today and still feel the pain tomorrow, and if that happens, you must choose to forgive again. It’s not easy, but when we hold on to unforgiveness, we are only punishing ourselves. Sadly, the person who caused the pain is rarely as affected as we are. Unforgiveness is a little like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer. We hold on to our anger because we want them to pay for what they did, but we’re the ones who keep paying the price.
Every time we pray, “Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors,” we’re reminding ourselves of two important truths: We need grace, and so does everyone else.
Practice:
Ask God to search your heart and reveal the areas of unforgiveness that you are carrying. Maybe you need to take responsibility for your part, or maybe you need to forgive a debt. Whatever it is, ask God to help you take that step.
Prayer:
Father, thank You for Your amazing grace. I know I’ve made mistakes, and I need Your forgiveness. Search my heart and show me where I’ve been wrong. Give me the humility to admit my sins and the faith to accept Your mercy. Thank You for loving me enough to pardon me, even when I don’t deserve it. And just as You’ve forgiven me, help me forgive those who have hurt me. Don’t let bitterness take root in my heart. Teach me to give the same grace I’ve received. Amen.
